Dialogue With A Pastor’s ‘Gay’ Son – #5: A Friend In Need

(This is the 5th dialogue in this series. It’s an edited and reconstructed version of the actual talk, but it accurately represents the essence of what was said. This is done with his permission, provided all personal references are omitted. I pick it up after the opening chit-chat.)

Him: I wanted to let you know that I called and talked to your friend like you suggested. I have to admit that was a really good talk. His story about his conversion is fascinating.

Me: Yes, he has an amazing tale to tell. I knew you would benefit a lot from talking to him.

Him: His life before he became a Christian was so different from anything I’ve ever experienced. I never had sex with guys like he did…and so much of it. I never acted on my gay impulses. So that to me makes his experience much different from mine. In some ways I can’t identify with it. I can certainly identify with the attraction to guys, but not the actual promiscuity he engaged in. I can’t say I wouldn’t have liked to, because many times I’ve wished it would happen.

Me: But that’s precisely why I thought it would be good for you to talk to him. I thought it would encourage you to see what the grace of God has done for someone who was deeply involved in the gay life. If God could do that for him, then you should be encouraged about what God can do for you.

Him: But he still has strong attractions to guys, even having a wife.

Me: Sure he does. He still has a lot of ‘gay’ remaining in the flesh. But he’s also striving to live a new life in Christ, and he’s known a lot of success in doing that.

Him: I was really surprised when he told me how soon he got married after leaving the gay life. I talked to him a long time about that. I wanted to know how he had any sexual attraction to a female and how the whole relationship developed with her. His story was fascinating.

Me: His story is quite unusual. A promiscuous gay guy doesn’t normally get converted and then end up marrying a woman in some six months. It takes a very unusual woman to even go there, but he found one in her.

Him: I don’t get how that happens. I mean, I like girls as friends and to hang out with, and I appreciate how different God made them from guys. But I have never felt a single bit of sexual attraction towards them. I look at them and nothing happens, but when I see certain kinds of guys I feel the fire start inside.

Me: Well, all you need is to feel attracted to one woman. That’s all. I know my friend had to wrestle through a lot of things over this. I remember talking to him about it all back when he first became aware that she was interested in him. They developed a friendship that turned into a romance and eventually a marriage. It was when he realized he was falling in love with her that attraction to her also started happening. My experience was similar, though it didn’t happen so quickly.

Him: But he’s still so gay. He talked to me pretty freely about what goes on inside him.

Me: He’s not gay. Anyway, that’s not how he would identify himself. Remember what we talked about a while back? We are no longer gay, we are Christians who struggle with same-sex attraction. ‘Gay’ is not our identity, it’s only one aspect of it. This is where I part ways with the gay christian perspective.

Him: We talked about how important it is to have strong Christians around us for support. I really envy what he has. I’m pretty much alone in this, except for a few people like you I can talk to. I don’t even have a church I feel comfortable in. In fact, I find it really hard to even go to church anymore because of how they make me feel when I’m there.

Me: You absolutely have to be in contact with other Christians. And you need to be in a church to do that. Maybe you need to start looking around for a different one. You could come to my church if you like and check it out. There are young men there who know all about same-sex attraction and would be able to hold you up. And there are many other Christians there who would love you and support you in your particular struggles without being judgmental.

Him: Maybe I should do that. I’ve only known one church in my whole life. It’s where I grew up. It’s not easy to go off somewhere strange and unknown.

Me: I guarantee you will be received with Christian love and be made to feel comfortable. I can say that with absolute confidence.

Him: Well, maybe I’ll see you there on Sunday. It’s kind of funny. We are just two voices on a phone. We don’t even know what each other looks like.

Me: Just let me know if you’re planning to come. We’ll make arrangements for meeting if you come.

Him: OK. I’ll really think about it.

Me: OK. I hope you come.

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